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“Plastic straws and plastic bags are banned. But a temporary restraining order issued for 3-D plastic guns. Is it just me?”
“Folks can soon download blueprints for untraceable plastic 3D-printed guns. Fretting will then replace baseball-as America’s favorite pastime.”
“Fanny packs are back in style. Perfect for toting the antacid and pain reliever needed to cope with all this daily crazy.”
“These farm subsidies should help sow our wild votes.”
“Goldfish crackers recalled during Shark Week… Talk about hazardous species.”
“Doreen thought her eyesight had improved, then realized it was another all-caps tweet.”
“My Honey Smacks cereal was recalled. Then McDonald’s recalled my salad. So dinner is totally stressing me out.”
“New American cuisine; smaller portions with fancy-schmancy garnishes costing $15 more than the diner.”
“I am not lactose intolerant. I totally appreciate you.”
“When you’re back to work – and everyone else is still on vacation.”
