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“Today’s horoscope says you’re not interested in money or materialism. My horoscope says the more you buy, the more you save. We’re aligned with the universe.”
“Boob sweat, dry cracked feet, melting make-up, ingrown hairs…. I love summer.”
“Where are the pickles? What time did you put the chicken on? Why didn’t you buy Hawaiian rolls? Who’s bringing seltzer?”
“I’m not grumpy. I’m taking a break from being positive all the time.”
“My annual habit of overspending on plants I will improperly water and care for.”
“I try to stay busy. My whole day is spent deciding if I’ve had enough or too little protein.”
“Best Mom Ever mugs, check. Pastel loungewear, check. Stress from adult kids, check.”
“I’m a toter; that’s the core of my being.”
“It’s an espresso martini. The perfect blend of caffeine, alcohol, and the 90’s.”
“I’m walking, I’m hydrating, and I’m shedding emotional baggage. You?”
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