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“Pumpkin Spice toilet paper and toilet bowl cleaner; you don’t have to thank us.”
“Oh, we’ll be wearing white after Labor Day, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.”
“Rarely snappy, Gary decides to become an emotional support alligator.”
“Exercise, drink more water, and reduce that screen time!”
“Would you please tell your father it’s not a DIY project if he’s involving me?”
“Announcement. Shower. Invitation. Save the date for no thank you notes.”
“Teachers have it easy? Well, there’s a shortage. Now’s your chance to get into a classroom and find that Shangri-La.”
“Let’s toast to another week of crazy.”
“When you wake up at 2:15, go pee at 2:16, then stay up aggravating over stuff from 2017.”
“I know you’re on a diet. These cupcakes are for my Zoom meeting.”
